| Well now. |
[Jan. 30th, 2010|11:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  morose | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fireflight- "Unbreakable" | ] |
I spent 10 minutes contemplating whether or not to go to bed or watch the last episode in Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei. And go fucking figure, I stayed to watch and the new character introduced has a guilt complex.
So that's what it's called. >.> |
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| Dear whoever, |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|05:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  What is this I don't even-- | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Pretty Things- "Baron Saturday" | ] |
-If looks got you interested, you might as well give up now.
-Understand how much I enjoy cosplay and anime. You don't have to like it, but it'll be a major plus.
-I'll return the favor if you like something I don't.
-Please be literate. AKA not massive amounts of "txt tlk"
-I hate being treated like a girl, and pretty much all gender stereotypes.
-Understand that I feel relationships require the right amount of space.. and that I need more than the average person. Don't be needy/clingy/self-conscious/asshole because of me; you'll just reassure me that I don't like you.
-I get so anxious when it comes to people, so a lot of texting/phone calls are impossible for me.
-I know I come off as flaky, but more than likely I'm just not able to pull myself together for a proper conversation.
-I don't like giving people excuses, so I say nothing... and probably leave you wondering. : /
-If I wanted to talk about it, I would.
-I am not the best at anything. There is nothing I excel at. Hell, there's not much I'm remotely decent at..
-If all you do is make small talk, I won't even consider you. Speak your mind, tell stories... I like listening better than talking. I welcome randomness.
-Don't lie to me!
-I'd rather have you break up with me than cheat on me. If at any time you find someone better, I encourage you to go for it.
-It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her/him that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read... I hate flirty types, and you better not be one.
-I'm not much of a compliment person. Don't expect too many, but don't freak out if I give you one.
-I'm asexual, and generally am not affectionate, but if I put out, it's because I like you. Don't let it go to your head.
-I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist. Understand that.
-I'm friendly to everyone. It doesn't mean I have feelings for them, and it doesn't mean that I trust them.
-I'll probably drive you nuts, and end up encouraging you to leave me, because I'm convinced you'll be better off.
-I have a low self-worth and no confidence. Any insult towards me would probably be agreed with.
-If I tell you I'm not interested, give up. Immediately. I don't want you that way.
-If I don't turn you down, I'm waiting to be convinced. But when I say no, I mean it.
-Believe me when I say "Let's just be friends." It's not a bad thing, and don't become a dick and get awkward on me.
-If I'm mad at you, you probably won't know. And that's how I prefer it, because you would only start being too attentive and annoying about it, and I HATE that.
-I don't need a knight in shining armor. I can live without you. But it doesn't mean I want to.
-If you complain a lot and/or victimize yourself and don't take action, forget it trying to be with me.
But if you think you can handle my neurotic disposition, sure. |
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| 2009 is a year of firsts. |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Did something right for once.. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fleet Foxes- "Icicle Tusk" | ] |
-First cosplay experience.
-First time experiencing to what I might know as "true" friends.. or at least as close as I can get.
-First time going somewhere far to meet an online friend.
-Come to terms with being asexual... who still prefers girls, despite being way too afraid to talk to them.. or anyone. : /
-First tattoo.
-First attempt at gauging ears (although, now they are normal-sized.)
-First big convention.
-First time getting friends also into cosplay.
-First time putting real effort into a potential relationship.
-...and failing miserably. : /
-seriously, why did I try so hard..
-My hair got to be the longest it's ever been.
-Been alcohol-free all year.
-First friend in college.
-Getting back into music for the first time in 2 years.
-Getting pocket cash at gigs.
-First time being *continuously* current with a manga AND anime series.
-First time feeling like I could actually learn Japanese.
-or for that matter, learned a large amount of Japanese songs.
-Discovered a lot of really good music that touched me.
+ more to come. :) |
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| Let me breathe you in.. |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | helpless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bitter:Sweet- "Everything" | ] |
Neglection.. of myself, my thoughts.. denial in a lot of ways.. never write because it's just proof of my thoughts. : / But I suppose an update shouldn't hurt. Years from now I'll find this and think "What was I thinking in the 4-month lack of writing?" Maybe I'm just aiming to fill in the gaps in a memory I am sure that I will lose.
Still not really "living".. I think I will only truly start living when I am fending for myself instead of relying on other peoples' kindness. I probably make people feel worthless when I start ignoring people. I say that because I too feel worthless when I'm being ignored.. But it's not like I hate them. : / I just prefer to be alone a lot, I guess. |
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| Fuck the cause. |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | uneasy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Broken Social Scene- "Cause = Time" | ] |
Is it so bad to want to try something different for once? To try and put yourself out there doing things you wouldn't normally do?
Or in this case, take a chance and trying to trust someone you just met right away?
If someone you just met says they like you, how do you react? How do normal people react to that kind of thing? I really don't know. I never know what kind of actions and responses are appropriate.
But when someone who comes on that strong suddenly backs away, what does it mean?
Somehow I feel like I did something.
I. need. to. stop. being. so. paranoid.
And I need to find a ride to LA so I can go to anime expo.. : /
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| Obnoxious actions, obnoxious results. |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  paranoid | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Chameleons- "Up The Down Escalator" | ] |
Here I am yet another night... a night where I starve myself of sleep... a night where I am afraid to sleep... afraid to be unconscious... all for unrealistic reasons, too.. I haven't had a nightmare in a while, but I fear the possibilities... my brain fucks with me too much. If I can avoid pain for even a moment, I will. I don't have the typical methods like drugs or alcohol... I guess it's the only good time ADD comes in handy.. I can forget about things for a moment.. or awhile. It can be nice.. I'm not always unhappy. I feel elated at times, but I never feel truly happy. I haven't felt true happiness in 2-3 years... Ever since that time with "him"... It's been such effort just to get his name out... I just have no strength for it right now... I'm convinced I cannot get over him because of how happy he made me before... My brain and heart cannot let it go. I want to be selfish, but it's not something I can do. Thankfully I am a logical person so I know not to act purely on emotion... Although, I still can't control how I feel... just my actions. In a way I am not the typical bi-polar since I can control a lot, but I suppose I wasn't always that way.. I hate drugs and meds, I want to overcome everything on my own. I believe it's possible. Not because I am an "optimist" or anything, but because I truly see potential.. in my feelings, in my brain, in.. me. I just need my time to shine. It's not anything I can create myself... fate has to do something for me. Or else it won't mean a fucking thing.
Every day I wonder where I'll end up.
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| I don't want to waste your time. |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|03:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thisiswhateveryouwantittobe | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Strokes- "Under Control" | ] |
When you look at me
What do you see?
Do you see a sunny disposition?
Or do you see the exact opposite?
Do you think I'm delicate?
Do you think of me like porcelein?
Would I ever be your doll?
Would I ever be anything?
How can I prove I exist?
Will my mark be left on you?
Will I ever scar you?
Am I attainable?
...Are you attainable?
Do I soothe you?
Do I destroy you?
Do I not affect you?
Do you think I'm shatterproof?
Do you think I'm forsaken?
Do you think I'm dainty?
Do you think I'm unfortunate?
Would you stop caring if I wasn't all you expected?
Would you leave if I never changed?
Would you stay knowing you made the mistake to?
Would you feel guilty for not trying hard enough?
Would you pity ME for not trying hard enough?
So many questions... that I'll never know the answer to.
Because I can't read thoughts. Or trust what ones come out.
Crack me all you want, I'll never break!
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| Someday you will find me caught beneathe a landslide. |
[May. 30th, 2009|03:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lolwat | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Oasis- "Champagne Supernova" | ] |
I desperately need a change... and not just me. Millions of others... I know I am not the only one who feels crappy all the time, I am not the only one living with bi-polar disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, or the lack of social skills and perfect looks, I am not the only one who struggles... Why can't everyone be equal? Why is this earth so tainted with shallow human beings... the kind who look down on others for being impure, not "fun"... basically not perfect? I only care what others think... because I have to. That's just the kind of world we live in. We must impress those higher than us just to get anywhere in life... it's wrong, it's unfair, but it's reality. I don't want to change who I am, because I don't feel I should, but it's something I will have to do. I'm not clever enough to take advantage of others, and mold my way through to top.. Oh no.
But I guess I can at least admit I care about other peoples' opinions of me. It pisses me off how so many people are like "I DON GIVE UH FUCK WAT U THINK" but really... if someone truly didn't care, why be such a loud, obnoxious bitch about so many things?
I really don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I can barely even see straight.
This song makes me want to smoke a lot of weed.
"Where were you while we were getting high?"
Makes me think of the old days... when I'd smoke with Julian.. Although it was only a few times, I liked being with him.. even though he didn't seem "all there". My heart was always in a different place than his, and... you know I'm not really sure where I'm going with this thought.
I want something to be magical.
"How many special people change?"
He definitely changed, which is why I'm somewhat over him... but I guess I can't let go of the past.
...I want my memory erased.
And to start over...
...Awesome. I'm such an emo kid. -_-
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| Mother Superior, jump the gun. |
[May. 27th, 2009|04:32 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Beatles- "Happiness is a Warm Gun" | ] |
Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
Well he's fallen asleep talking to me if that counts.
What color shirt are you wearing?
Yellow.
How long is your hair?
I.. don't know, long?
Last alocholic thing you drank?
Vodka. I think.
What is your favorite scent?
Clean laundry and flowery scented soaps
Do you read your horoscope?
Not regularly
How do you feel about your hair right now?
Needs to be re-dyed
What was the last compliment you received?
...
Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Si
Have you ever given up on someone, but then went back to them?
Nope :D
Would you be shocked if your last ex said they hated you?
n/a
What's something you're excited about right now?
Anime Expo!
Do you have a cat that stares and meows at you often?
YES
Is there someone you know you should hate but can't?
I don't believe in hate
Are you afraid others will judge you because of some of your anwsers?
Yep
Who is someone you can tell everything to?
No one. Not even my other personalities ;p
Is there a friend you can't stand?
no
Do you own a pair of jeans worth over $200?
FUCK no
Do you think it is disgusting for girls to drink alcohol and get drunk?
I don't care whether it's a girl or a guy drinking, I just don't want stupid drunks in my presence
Do you miss anyone?
....
Do you regret anything?
yep
Do you hate anyone?
Never
What are you looking forward to this week?
The weekend
Have you ever received a love letter more than a page long?
I... don't recall
Where do you live?
In a jet-propelled spaceship.
Are you an aunt or uncle?
Neither
Given the opportunity, would you like to travel to space?
Hmm... probably. A death among the stars seem fitting
Do you think there is life on other planets?
The probability is too high for there not to be.
Who does the yard work?
I... don't know
Were you a cute baby?
Yes :)
Name something you did tonight?
Picture sorted. KILLED 6 FREAKING BUGS. Srsly, gtfo
Is there a meaning behind your profile song?
: /
How many hours did you sleep last night?
I don't count anymore.
What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Plastic
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I found a translation for a comic I like <3
Does anyone love you?
My pet Snorlax does :>
How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
Several. Fucking. Gigabytes.
Do you want someone to call/text you right now?
No, I'm good
Do you think anyone's thinking about you right now?
Nope :)
Do you believe in second chances?
I believe in starting over and acting like the first chance never existed
Do you hate being alone?
Not really
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person ?
...yes, actually o.O
Have you ever slept in a car?
yep : /
What is your favorite board game?
Scrabble!
Are you generally a happy person?
I think hyper fits me more xP
Has a boy/girl ever called you babe or baby?
Not in "that" context xP
Do you like to make the first move?
Yessssss
Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
Not usually, but sometimes
Did you go out or stay in last night?
I was out
Have you ever fallen asleep while texting someone?
LOL yes
Besides this, what are you doing right now?
Got my playlist going, the tv blaring, a download slowly downloading, and uhh... writhing in sunburn pain
Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?
rofl, I hope no one ever does that
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Yep.
How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
I... wouldn't know
Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your first name.
Ensnaring.
Where will you be in a hour?
I do not plan these things.
where did your last hug take place?
....not sure
Do you have any short term goals?
Yes
Do you like where you live?
It's not bad
Don't you hate guys/girls who try too hard to impress?
yes
Do you have money?
technically yes
Do you have unlimited texting?
Yes
You're walking down the street with the person you like, where are you going?
To hell, because it froze over
Where will you be 5 hours from now?
Probably here still
yeah I'm lame
Do you have a reason for living?
Nope :D
Are tattoos a turn on?
I don't care
How come everyone is obsessed with summer?
Are they really
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
No
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Someone you won't recognize
Next time you will kiss someone?
Now how could I know that
Plans for tomorrow?
g4m3r1ng
Do you tend to fall for players?
yep
Are there any bruises on your body?
plenty
Do you like hugs?
....
Are you a loud person?
I can be... *randomly starts yelling*
When will you next get dressed up?
couple of weeks from now
Do you sleep with your door open or closed?
CLOSED
What do you want for your next birthday?
I don't want anything. It's not a day worth special attention for.
Who are you going to marry?
No one.
When was the last time you cried?
...
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Someone else in a different time zone.
What would your name be without the first three letters?
N..... not very exciting, huh
When is your birthday?
June 3
Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Nope.
Did you have a good day?
No :)
What are your plans for the weekend?
Cosplay stuff
If you could move right now, would you?
In an instant.
Are you happy with the way things are going right now?
no
What do you currently hear right now?
Bitter:sweet- "Everything"
Is your heart broken right now?
Fuck. you.
Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?
hahahaha no
Is your MySpace profile private?
nope
Do you think relationships are even worth it?
I wouldn't know
Have you ever kissed anyone and never saw them again?
Maybe
Would you ever donate blood?
....if they'll accept my blood, sure
Was last New Year's enjoyable?
Yes it was
Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Nope
Last person to send you a MySpace message?
Don't know
Do you drink water?
All the time :)
What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
Hahaha.. everything
Have you ever been hit on through text message?
Shit's not serious
Do you want to see somebody right now?
Not literally right now
Do you listen to songs when you're down?
Yes, but not because I'm down
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I..... uhh.. it's been awhile
What was something awkward that happened today?
I lived?
Have you ever passed out?
Yeah
What is the last thing you purchased online?
A book
Any last thoughts?
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
And you know that she'll break you
In two |
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| If love is just a game, how come I've never won? |
[May. 26th, 2009|01:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | jealous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Noah and the Whale- "2 Atoms in a Molecule" | ] |
Today was the last day of the Jubilee.. and what a day it was.. : / On my way to downtown, I did see Cameron again, but this time it was on the bus and he was outside his house... That's a pretty random occurance.. But anyway, I don't really know whether I should have went today or not.. Julian's girlfriend showed up... I knew she existed and everything, but... I just really didn't want to witness that. But now I guess I have more motivation to lose weight.. >.> Just wait... I'll be thin, and I'll pass someone's standards..
It was extremely hard to keep myself together, but I got extremely lucky when Natalie and Emily showed up... That made me feel a lot better. And after the jazz band set the three of us hung out for awhile, then I went back to their house. Which is always fun. <3 And then we went to Max's house for a few hours. Fun stuff..
I'm still kind of pissed off, but if this was the me two years ago, I would have killed myself instantaneously... I mean, I know I still have feelings for Julian, but it's nowhere near what it once used to be.
And I have a giant fucking headache now... I just need a break from everything.. : /
Unfortunately video games can only help with so much.
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| Tear it apart and start again. |
[May. 24th, 2009|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Guster- "Happier" | ] |
Well today was a lot better than yesterday.. Still not exactly exciting though..
First off, as soon as I got off the bus I ran into Cameron again. And he apologized for yesterday, he said they were all completely stoned. xD I don't always figure out when people are high, so I guess that would explain it. But it made me feel better because of yesterday..
I was in a hurry to the next Sea Monkey set, so I did that. Lots of other alumni were there too. (Well, it was the alumni set, afterall.) I felt better getting to talk to Julian this time.. still not much, but more than yesterday. I just miss being able to be near him..
But the most exciting thing was that I got to play! I got to make up for my not-playing from last year.. And even better, Cameron came to watch me play. I think he came for me because I think he left after.. (/logic) I noticed him when I was on stage and I had the lamest smile >.> oh well.. I could have played better, I was so freaking nervous.. Since it's been, like, two years since I last performed in public.
I think I ended up talking to Julian's parents more than I talked to him... his mom is always friendly, and his dad usually hugs me a lot, and even Julian's uncle ended up hitting on me... It was quite funny, I think... Julian noticed and apologized afterwards, haha. I think it was pretty good... I just wish I had something to do for those 3 hours I wandered around after.. : /
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| Maybe you will always be just a little out of reach. |
[May. 23rd, 2009|07:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  manic-depressive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Guster- "Satellite" | ] |
It's that time of year again... the jazz festival. It's one of the most anticipated moments all year for me. And even though I never blog anymore, this will always be blog-worthy, and for personal reference I must talk about it.
So, today wasn't all bad... though definitely not as exciting as previous years. My nerves were really bad this time. On the bus, I just ached all over. Lately I've been getting dangerously close to having panic attacks. In high school I got them frequently, (meaning around 10 a week) but I purposely keep my stress to a minimum... though I can say, I am susceptible to stress more than the average person..
Though when I arrived, Julian wasn't there. Somehow I was unsurprised.. haha. Somehow that made me less stressed out. And it was weird how empty the place was... usually Old Sac is full of people! That was a little disappointing, but ah well. They did well. I'd still go even if I knew he wouldn't be there.
Afterwards Derrald and I wandered off to take pictures. I think that's his name anyway, I just know him as Lexi's grandfather. I think he was surprised I agreed to it. Well, it's not like I had anything better to do...
He had to go, so I wandered around by myself for awhile. I did run into Tina and Cory though. And we hung out. It was nice, seeing as how Tina and I used to be so close back in school. Catching up is good..
Right before the next Sea-Monkey set I saw Julian. He came up and said hi and I hugged him. I swear, I always notice him at the most epic timing.. gah. Anyway, after the set started, I saw Evan and decided to sit with him for awhile. I miss that kid. It was weird because him and I have always been clingy with each other, so I don't really get that kind of affection anymore since I haven't seen him since last summer. He kept noting how tense I looked... I really couldn't help it though. My mind was so distracted... : /
I hung out with him and his cousin after that set. We went to the place for the band's next performance, and I saw Meagan. Haha, a good little memories, and most random of all, I ran into my dad. He laughed at how I jumped... well it scared me. It was not a good thing to run into him there. It conflicts my OCD greatly. I feel bad for being so cold to him, I really am fond of him, but I guess I keep conversations as if he was just an old friend I happened to see.. : / I need to get rid of this curse, maybe then I wouldn't avoid my parents so much.. D:
Well, after the set, I was hoping to get to talk to Julian again to ask him if he wanted to maybe hang out... but I suppose he didn't notice me. Made me sad, but I didn't want to run after him.. I'd just look stupid. I decided I should probably wait 'til tomorrow to see him.. : /
But since I didn't really want to go home, I decided to stick around... just in case I ran into anyone I knew. I ran into Alyssa..... I was sad it was more of a "hi" and "bye" conversation.... man, losing close relationships sucks... all these people I used to be such good friends with barely talk to me. I was trying, I really was... I guess everyone's just busy. Or maybe I'm secretly hated.
But I guess what topped it off was running in Cameron of all people and having one of the most awkward moments ever... not even kidding. I'm surprised I spotted him, since he really doesn't have "stand-out looks" but hmm... who knows. I puzzledly hugged him and noticed he grew a few inches. He's a total giant now. I haven't seen him since the jazz camp concert.. And I do still like him too, so seeing him scared me like it did with seeing Julian.. And when I said it was awkward, I mean there was like, 5-10 seconds of total silence and just standing there with him and his friends... and then one of his friends laughed and he said he was leaving... in the most unexcited voice I've ever heard. I've never had that kind of awkward moment with someone I liked before...
That put me over the edge than I kind of already was...
So in the process of trying not to have a public breakdown I went to the docks to listen to some music... and then when I was checking the bus schedule, I realized they changed it! And I missed the last bus because apparently the schedule changed.. not knowing how else I would get home, I did start crying. But luckily it was early enough that I could call my mom before she left.. so I did that. : /
Well, there's still 2 more days, so I guess I'll just see what happens..
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| That time of year again. |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|12:59 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Chitose Hajime- Triangle | ] |
It's mid-March.. Time flies so fast.. and I don't even do much... still a lame-ass... confused between feelings.. and self-value... I'm pretty worthless, I don't even know how to change. I want to... No, I need to. Or else I think I'll die. And that scares me.
Man, I wish I had something valuable to write about. |
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| : / |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Saori Sakura- "True My Heart" | ] |
Good evening, LiveJournal. It's been awhile.
I've realized that my ego, is in fact, quite large. I mean, I've known I've been rather self-absorbed my whole life, but I guess I realized how much pride is important to me. I hide behind a computer screen in a house I don't spend a lot of time away from just to forget why it is I'm hiding.
I hide because I'm ashamed of who I am. I'm nothing but a strange, defective worthless person. I have a brain but it has clearly failed me. How or why I don't know. I don't know how exactly I got to be in the situation I am now. I mean, after high school I was so sure that my plan would turn out alright. It didn't seem logical that it couldn't.. I never really asked for much. Ever. I wanted a job; that was my top priority, so I could save up money, buy a car, save up for school, move out, and then only have the emotional problems to deal with [and the least of my troubles]. That failed miserably and I've been struggling ever since. Even though I did have a car and a job for a brief while, it doesn't measure up to success. I don't even really know what does. All I know is that I'm struggling and I have abolsutely NO idea how to fix it, or fix myself.
Heh. I talk about how large my ego is, yet I seem to have absolutely no confidence.. But that isn't true. I just have nothing to be confident about. And upon occassion something will go to my head, and I can get extremely self-centered... that is why I think I have a large ego. I can be smug and arrogant... but really, I'm just bullshiting myself.. : /
I suck.
I'm not doing well at all..
So many kids younger than me have already accomplished so much. Lots of my younger friends, and people in general, have jobs and money and trophies and awards.. etc. I never did anything with my life except for jazz band, and I really wasn't great or anything, I just knew how to act and do what I needed to do to make myself look more professional... so aren't I really a fraud for deceiving people like that? : / I'm pretty secretive, but not in the way that I tell people I have secrets. Because, that's absolutely stupid and pointless. People who are like "I know something you don't know and I'm not going to tell you" are freaking idiots.. -.- I'm certainly not that way.. I'm more secretive in the way that I honestly don't want someone knowing a certain thing about me, therefore I do not even mention it.
And that whole previous state is hypocritical and contradictory.. : /
I will not let anyone love me until I can love myself. And for that to happen, I must be great. I must be worth something. I must not be useless. I hate myself for not being something, so why should anyone love me? I hate myself for a reason. Anything bad that happens to me is karma, right?
I love how some people seem to be fooled... as conceited as that sounds..
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| Thanksgiving. |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|03:04 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | kyou Kara Maou- "Hateshinaku Tooi Sora Ni" | ] |
I am two weeks late to be saying my thanks, but the months go by so fast, nothing ever "hits" me until way after its begun.
Things I am thankful for:
-Warm showers. They are simply divine.
-Being able to live a vegetarian lifestyle.
-The fact that libraries are free.
-Having arms and legs.
-Easy access to warmer and colder weather, mountains and beaches.
-The internetz.
-Anime.
-Instant messaging.
-People like Brittaney, Natalie, Katrina, and Spencer.
-Microwaves and toasters.
-Electricity in general.
-Not being a complete idiot.
-Plushies!!
-Actually making it to 19 years old.
-Canned soda.
-Rainbows.
-Colors in general.
-Hand sanitizer.
-Delicious cake.
-Art.
-Video games.
-Advancements to improve the health and well-being of all of us.
-A large bed.
-Supermarkets.
-Photoshop.
-Technology in general.
-Random conversations.
-Meaningful conversations.
-Maps.
-Automobiles and transportation in general.
-Colleges.
-Financial aid programs.
-Books.
..........
I'm sure there are a lot more, but I am insanely disorientated for the time-being. Bleh.. damn sleeping medicine.
But... with so much to be thankful for.. why am I not happy? : /
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| Dancing through the months. |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|10:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | NewS- "Weeeek" | ] |
Why hello world of LiveJournal. How are you today? Do users treat you well?
Oh LJ, it seems all anyone ever does is complain and rant. But what about you? Do you like it? What do you do for fun? How do you sleep at night?
....
And I'll stop talking about like you exist or something xD
um...
Well, I guess I have some things to look forward to.
I at least have a direction in school. It might not be definite, but I sure as hell am glad I have somewhere to start.
I guess my so-called plan is to get a B.A. And I decided to major in anthropology.
That's one thing off my chest. I don't know if I'll even stay in school, but meh.
It's something to do, I'm not really motivated for anything.
Also, I suppose I'm going to visit Spencer in Florida in a few months. That's the most exciting thing so far.
And, possibly going to Canada in May. Seeing Matt, and possibly Conor. :)
That's about all I'm really looking forward to, I guess.
I hope next semester turns out well.
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| Eden is lost. |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|08:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Asura- "Lost Eden" | ] |
Tonight is just shitty. : /
I stopped driving my car about a month and a half ago, because of the broken transmission, but I've been keeping it in case I needed it for something really bad. Well, I was going to go to the football game tonight... The homecoming one. it would have been lots of fun too. It would have given me an excuse to get out of the house for once..
BUT NOOOOOOOOO
My car is officially undrivable. So, I get to miss out on one of the few social gatherings I actually enjoy going too..
Oh Julian.. I miss you so much.. I just want to see you and talk with you.. maybe I would get over you for good instead of swinging back and fourth between "I'm over you" and "Not anywhere close." I've been thinking about everything that's happened a lot lately.. I'm doing better.. really.. but I guess that won't make you want to talk to me any more or less..
ugh
Anyway, so now I'm here, for the 5th Friday night a row.
Well, so much for that.
Guess I'll talk to Conor and Spencer and whoever. |
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| Will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me? |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|12:42 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Boxercar Racer- "There Is" | ] |
It's been awhile since I've listened to so much different kinds of music in one day. When I mean different, I mean, not what's on my crappy itunes playlist thing.
Earlier today I went with my mom and her boyfriend to Apple Hill. I haven't been there since I was a kid. So it's been at least 6-7+ years.. not likes there's much to do, but hey, I figured I could use somewhat fresher mountain air than my own smoggy city air.
Ate some really nasty fries that didn't come for about 40 minutes. Drank apple cider unpasteurized out of the bottle, got a tad sick. But hey, that's kind of what I wanted to go for. haha. [The cider, not the sick part.]
In the car, it was on the radio. And I never listen to the radio, but I didn't want to tell them to turn it off or anything. And for some reason, songs that usually bug me didn't. Like, I could almost easily listen to everything I heard without wanting to cover my eyes. [I'm such a music snob =/] And it was all like, pop stuff. Not top 40 kind of pop, but more mellow, early 00's, 90's stuff? yeah.. Idk. It was weird. And I heard the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis and as soon as I went home I downloaded it and listened to it for about 4 hours. And I've been blasting it all too. And strangely, after I got done with that, I started listed to Katy fucking Perry. That song "Hot n' Cold" is so fucking addicting. I listened to that for about an hour. And now I'm listening to Boxcar Racer.
I never listen to music loud, but tonight I'm just drowning out the world.
On another note, I guess I finally realized I'm a masochist for love.
I talk about how I'm all alone and don't care, secretly wishing someone will prove something to me, and then when they do I get really mad and angry.. I secretly crave attention and then when I get I'm like "Fuck you, stop it."
What the fuck is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if Conor and I could ever be something. We're best friends, I guess, and I guess it's loosely platonic? He just broke up with his gf and I know he's heartbroken. I'd like to assume he's joking when he hits on me but sometimes I don't know if he's joking or serious. And like tonight, he asked me to marry him so I can come live in Canada with him LOL. I'm going to assume that was a joke. Sure I care about him but I don't think my feelings for him are like that. hmm.. it's so complicated.. >.<
Whatever. I'll just continue to starve myself of sleep and wake up my neighborhood with my drowning-out-of-the-world. |
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| Waiting for the sky to fall. |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Our Lady Peace- "Somehwere Out There" | ] |
Hm, well today was different in a way. I'm pretty glad I have the free bus pass now. Don't have to worry about making absolutely sure I don't miss the bus.
Although I did make some uneccessary stops today after school. Didn't even get home until 8:30 >_>
Today was good otherwise. My HCD class was rather interesting for once. And I'm glad to get my assessment results back. Pretty helpful, I think. Now my plan for Tuesday is to get myself an education plan..
I scored highest for Artistic, 2nd was Investigative, and 3rd was Conventional.
We got into group with our highest ranking and were supposed to draw a picture of ideal jobs.. ironically, NO ONE could draw well! xD But we all got different kinds of artistic, for example, I'm obviously the musician.. lol
So yeah, that was fun.
Yesterday was awesome too. I got to hang out with Miranda finally! God I miss her =( She's my "best friend" but it's obvious there is still a huge barrier between us.. I wish I knew how to make it crumble.
We went to the SPCA to go pick out a dog, she needed me there because she isn't an adult yet. They were so cute! (And sad T_T) But she ended up not getting one.
I saw Frank yesterday too. Haven't seen him since I ran into him at the river that one day. He keeps picking on me cuz I'm so shy.. haha.. well everyone does.. but w/e.. I wanna hang out with him.. I should call him.. >.< I'm sooo shy around him.. Even though it was like SEVEN YEARS AGO that I had feelings for him I still act like I still do sometimes. HAHA, and I used that as an excuse why I'm so shy. *sigh* sometimes I wonder what would happen if that one day I actually would have the balls to ask him out... I'm so fucking stupid >.< as much as I wanted him, he was attainable, I was just so unbold. And even though I got over him years ago, I guess I'll always regret not making anything of it..
I wonder if seven years from now I'll act like that around Julian? >_> probably.. everytime I see him I become more and more reclusive.. maybe I'm just scared. Who knows.. He has better things to do than for me to waste a minute of his time..
Wow, this is weird. I started writing this thing in a great mood, now I'm all sad. >_> wtf
I'm not usually affected by lonliness, but FUCK, I wish I was somewhere else right now. |
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| mm, whatcha say? |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|09:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Imogen Heap- "Hide and Seek" | ] |
I guess it's that time where I should update, for the sake of doing it.
I hate school.. it sucks.. I screwed myself over. I don't even deserve to call myself a college student.. But I'm trying, right? Maybe that counts for something.. Maybe.. who knows..
Maybe next week when my personal assessment results come in, I'll learn more and figure something new out.
I'm extremely apathetic at the moment. I was so happy today for no reason, but I should have known, every time I feel "happy" it's always followed by a crash. Luckily I'm not there, I don't think, and I HOPE it doesn't come. I'm already biting people's head off.
Fuck them.
hmm.. maybe I should drink tonight.. anything's better than being angry.. |
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